Make your own free website on Tripod.com

It used to seem to Me, that My life ran out too fast
And I had to take it slowly, just to make the good parts last
But when You're born to "Run," it's so hard to just slow down
So don't be surprised to see Me, back in that bright part of town
I'll be back in the high life again
all the doors I closed one time, will open up again
I'll be back in the high life again
All the eyes that watched Me once, will smile and take Me in

---Back in the High Life Again, Steve Winwood


"So many things have happened this year...so many events that have had a dramatic effect on Me. Yet, looking back tonight I see they were all based around one general theme...a questioning of My resolve and purpose...and the determination to for one final time lay to rest any further questioning.

There were three ones whom played critical roles in My settling the questions, the inner turmoil over whether I could venture back into where I believed Myself to belong...that of a Dom...
Through long intensive talks with these three over the course of the year, the questioning was ended once and for all.

"The dumbest person alive is the one who claims to be so brilliant...that he has nothing left to learn."
I am always learning, always on a search for knowledge. However I do not believe the learning comes from readings...rather from listening...and being around one willing to listen to Me also...

friend is a word batted about quite freely in society, but to be a true friend...not judging, not being judged...is what I learned from one of these three.

long talks about where life had taken E/each of U/us...about of E/each arrived where W/we were..about how emotional walls had been constructed because of past hurt, to protect from the possibility of future pains. O/our roads had never been too similar, and never would the roads being traveled blend U/us into O/one, but the ease of talking, the joy of listening taught Me what it was like to just simply be a Friend and be able to love that feeling.

Patience is something I did not believe I had been blessed with. Hell, I KNEW I had no patience, and had unfortunately demonstrated that in a few relationships as of late.
However, through long intensive, and yes...sometimes emotionally-sparked talks with another, I began to understand the need for patience in My life and in My actions...

Though I wear My heart on My sleeve, I do not allow My heart to be easily penetrated...unfortunately when that would occur, I would bullrush the emotion and charge forth WAY too fast...
This one I was speaking at length with started constantly throwing the ideals of patience at me, literally forcing Me to see how detrimental My bullrush with emotions was to Me, and to any relationship...

one day...four words uttered....

changed My life and My perspective forever when I heard the words. I had no idea then those words would etnernally change My life for the better.

oh sure, I'd often questioned My actions...My behavior...My resolve...My purpose...but never...never...NEVER had A/anyO/one EVER the very foundation of My being...if I'd never given anything else of Myself, I had always given E/everyone the ability to inherently trust Me...everything I had ever done was based in the foundation of trust.

Yet here was one I was building a relationship with (yes..I was still bullrushing the emotions and showing no patience..~sheepish grin~) questioning My very foundation...

devastated is an extremely mild way of explaining what I felt when those words came across...Sure, I rolled about in self-pity for a while because of those words..it was easy to do because I'd developed the ability to wallow in self-pity quite easily over the previous few years...

strange though...this didn't last very long..why???

---Because one who taught Me about being a Friend was there showing Me that I hadn't lost my foundation...
---Because one who slammed the reality of needing patience into My skull used this as a grand example of how being patient would have avoided this altogether.
---and because of one whom encompassed the traits of the other two combined and more...whom was there all along...listening...tempting Me to find Myself..letting Me shoulder her burdens...willing to shoulder My burdens...

and shining like an amazingly bright light during this time when I thought everything I ever believed of Me had turned dark....
freesia*~

From was was for Me a somewhat embarrasing first meeting ~grinning sheepishly at free~

--To feeling an amazingly intense blaze of desire
--To being able to open Myself up completely and without hesitation
--To feeling the existance of absolutely no emotional walls whatsoever
--To discussing topics I had never felt able to talk over with another
--To the grand steps forward
--To the frustrating and often-times painful steps backwards
--To the amazingly bright light on what I'd believed to be the darkest of My days

who I needed all along
who I desired all along
who I craved all along
turned out to have been alongside Me all along...

The missing piece of My heart
of My body
of My mind
of My soul

had been right next to Me all these months.
And yet four little words uttered by another
allowed My eyes to finally open enough
to see that My life's desire
was already right with Me

And with that realization, all the inner turmoil and questioning had been answered..I did belong here..I did STILL possess the ability to be there for the well-being and best-interests of another...I was back home again, and I was falling deeply in love with My best friend.

If I could be King, even for one day
I'd take you as My queen, I'd have it no other way
and O/our love would rule this kingdom W/we have made
till then I'll be a fool
waiting for that day

---Change The World, Eric Clapton